Monday, December 27, 2010


Spending Christmas in Utah was wonderful (minus the fact that they had ZERO snow- what kind of a Christmas is that? haha). Anyway- Wednesday night Kennedy and her family came down for our annual Christmas party. She looked ADORABLE! We got her a bunch of dress up clothes/ballet tutu's and she loved them all. Thought I'd post a few pics from that night.

Hope you all had a wonderful blessed Christmas and that the holidays continue to be amazing!

Wednesday, December 15, 2010


After talking with MANY other birth moms, I've come to realize how lucky and blessed that I am to have complete open-ness (is this a word?) and trust with Kennedy's parents. A lot of birth moms were promised contact with their child/their child's adoptive parents and contact was cut off some time after placement. They don't know how/where their child is or how they're doing. That would tear me apart.

I will be seeing her for Christmas next Wednesday and I can't wait. Sometimes I may get weird about it and think I need to slow down on seeing her- but then I think about how blessed I am that they want us in her life and want her to know how much I love her. I want her to know how much I love her and I want her to know why I chose to place her with her family...what better way could I do that than continuing to be a part of her life (no matter how small it may be)?

Thank you A & C. :)

P.S. Huge slacker- I know. Pictures will obviously be coming next week.

P.P.S. My little sister had her first baby a week ago. My first time back in the hospital where I had Kennedy. I had a mild breakdown and got crazy sick. Let's just say I'm glad I won't be back there anytime soon. :) On the other hand, her baby is gorgeous and I can't get enough of her.

Thursday, November 18, 2010


So I just got a call from the insurance company- asking if my daughter needed to be covered (since I wrote that I had a c section). That's the first time I've gotten that...and had to say out loud that she was placed for adoption. A little awkward (mostly because the lady who called knew my husband since he was little).

Guess I'd better get used to that for when I start having children and I get questions about my child and my c section. :)

Monday, November 8, 2010

5 years.

So just about 5 years ago is the time I got pregnant. Weird. I've actually been thinking about it a lot lately...randomly. It's kind of hard that I told my family I was pregnant the day after Christmas, because every time Christmas rolls around all of those emotions come back. Kennedy's birth father stealing money from my family Christmas day...him attacking me at my apartment...finding out about his real past...telling my parents, them moving me home. It was a rough few days that year.

I can't believe how much my life has changed/how far I've come. I'm in an amazingly loving relationship with a wonderful man who supports me no matter what, I have so much more love and respect for everyone around me, I can actually start processing the thought of having a family at some point- life is just good. I have so many blessings. I wouldn't say I was ever a pessimistic person- but now I can't help but be happy...there really isn't anything in life to be angry about! I'm a firm believer in the fact that no matter what happens, everything will be okay. As long as you are trying your hardest to be a good person and do the right things, Heavenly Father will be there to pick you up when you're down, even at your lowest lows.

So today, I'm feeling blessed! Bring on a new week! :)

Friday, November 5, 2010

LDS Family Services

When I was pregnant I started going to LDS Family Services for counseling, and they are ultimately who I placed Kennedy through. I couldn't have had a better experience. They have "birth mom groups" that meet weekly- which was such a blessing. It's so nice to be in an environment where you can say anything and people can really understand how you feel. I continued going for about 6 months after Kennedy was born and then just stopped- life got a little bit busy.

I have become a part of a bunch of groups online- and talk with a lot of birth moms online- but I hadn't thought to contact LDS family services again, until Monday. I decided to call the LDS Family Services here in Idaho Falls to see if they happen to have a birth mom group. Well, they do!

I'll be attending every Wednesday from now on when I'm not working- and I'm really excited about it. They do panels where we can talk to potential adoptive parents (kind of make them feel more comfortable about open adoption/our experiences) and also panels where birth moms and also single parents come and talk to pregnant girls who aren't sure what they want to do.

I know it will help me move further along in the healing process- and I'm hoping somewhere along the line maybe I can help someone too. :)

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Hurtful words.

I am a part of a facebook group where "birth mothers" are supposed to support each other. I'm actually an administrator on the page- so I create discussions/comments etc. It has been AMAZING to me to see some of the terrible things people say/feel about adoption. Growing up in the land full of Mormons- I've always thought adoption was a great thing- families were so happy and it is such a beautiful blessing when people are able to become parents who wouldn't have been able to otherwise.

I guess not all people think like me.

I've been told I'm a terrible person for just "giving my child away". If "I loved her" I would never have abandoned her. Supposedly- she will grow up hating me and in pain her entire life because of the choice I made.

I can't tell you how many times I've felt like I was stabbed in the chest when I read things people say. But as terrible as people can make you feel for that second...I can honestly say I am COMPLETELY at peace with my decision. I have NEVER once regretted what I did. It's very hard to explain to people that Heavenly Father told me what to do. I have never had a revelation like what I did that day- and its something so spiritual to me that I don't believe many people can understand it, and that's okay.

I believe children are a beautiful gift sent from God. I believe children in Heaven choose whose families they will be coming to. I believe Kennedy chose her parents. I believe that for some reason, she came through me to be with them. I still see a part of me every time I look at her- and I know someday she'll come to me with questions- but I hope someday she will come to me and thank me. And I really think she will.

I have heard so many times, "I could never give my child away"- and you know what- I'm pretty sure I spoke those EXACT words because I went through my experience. Given the choice to make the right decision for your child, no matter how hard it may be, I HOPE that most mothers would make the right one (no matter what it may be). I could have raised my daughter- she would have been surrounded by love...but I knew she wasn't meant for me...and that was that. I feel no pressure to please others- I don't need your acceptance- I am at peace. I am happy. I am SO blessed.

By the way- I would be more than happy to answer ANY questions anyone may have- no matter how intrusive you may think you're being. I am an open book about my life- and its actually therapeutic to talk about everything, I'm not one of those "brush it under the rug" types.

P.S. Got an email today from Kennedy's mom- and 3 emails of pictures. I made one cute little girl. :)

Tuesday, November 2, 2010


Every year for Christmas I give my daughter a personalized ornament. For the past 4 years its been something to have to do with princesses...with her name on it. It's SO much fun to find the perfect ornament each year and have it engraved for her.

When we went to her family's house for the first Christmas I was surprised and so happy to see that my daughter had a GORGEOUS Christmas tree in her room filled with girlie ornaments, including those I had given her. Each year since I've gotten to see her tree fill up with the most beautiful ornaments. It's so special to me to see something like that displayed- so she knows how much I love her.

National Adoption Month

November is National Adoption Month! I've decided to take the 30 day challenge talked about here and I'm so excited about it! My first post will be tonight...can't wait! :)

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Coincidence or Fate

It's been a while.

I've had lots of cool things happening in life lately. I got a new job (well, two). One day I was walking through the high school where I work when someone shouted, "Hey, wait!" I turned around and a girl explained that she recognized me from a birth mom blog that I guest posted on a bit ago.

Strange right?

It's nice to have a connection with someone instantly- and that's how I feel when I meet people connected to adoption in one way or another (she is adopted- and has just recently met and started a great relationship with her birth father). I love to see her at school- and hear about the awesome experiences she's going through right now. Also super weird that on a non-local blog, someone from Idaho Falls- from the high school I work at- ran into me.

I've gotten lots of emails and gorgeous pictures of Kennedy lately- I'll get around to posting them this weekend hopefully.

Life is beautiful and amazing and I feel so blessed. Love you all.

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Birthday Day

Birthday day has come and gone, and I'm doing just great! Her birthday party was a great experience...I think it kind of actually helped me have a bit more closure, seeing all of her family and friends there giving her a great party. This post is loaded with pictures (mostly for my sake)- so feel free to take a look! :)

Kennedy & me (her holding the present we gave her- it was definitely a hit!)

It seemed that the theme was barbie & princesses this year- she got SO many barbie things! It was kind of nice that we gave her the only "cuddly" thing- kids love that soft stuff!

Kennedy ADORES my dad. They play games constantly and just laugh like crazy.

another super adorable picture with the bear

She's really into beetles/bugs right now I guess- this cake was SO perfect, the look on her face when her dad brought it out was priceless.

...last part of the reaction. At first she literally dropped her jaw. :)

...little princess makes me so happy to see her excelling and growing so much. She is SO smart it's crazy. She just turned 4 and she talks/acts like a teenager- she even calls her brother (whose almost 9) "little brother"...while bossing him around. I was in advanced programs throughout elementary (Gifted and Talented Education- and then another program once I moved to Utah- and no, it wasn't for slow kids, like my husband likes to tease me)...and I have a feeling Kennedy will be the same way. It makes me feel good because physically I don't think Kennedy looks like me at all...but I think her personality is a lot like mine.

Anyway, the party was great. We ended up being an hour late because of construction and me getting pulled over- but besides that, we had a wonderful weekend. I got laid off from my job yesterday- so I'm kind of too emotionally drained to get into anything really right now- but I'm sure another post will be coming soon. :)

Thursday, July 29, 2010

Big Day

**disclaimer: I know that some people don't agree with me or my decisions- I just write this blog to let my feelings out, and to hopefully come in contact with some people who have gone down the road I'm going. I welcome all comments, opinions, whatever it may be that you have to say. :)

Well, tomorrow is the big day. We're headed down to Utah to go to Kennedy's birthday party. It was kind of a last minute decision- I've been very back and forth on it. It's not that I didn't want to go- but it's also not that I've known I wanted to go for sure.

Adoption is such a bittersweet situation. I love Kennedy and her family like crazy- but there is a hole in my heart that probably won't ever be completely mended. My old bishop told me that other things/people will come into my life and fill the hole as best as they can- but nothing will ever completely fix it. I completely agree. I feel SO at peace with my decision- but I still feel an emptiness inside.

Seeing her makes me so happy- seeing her run around and play with her brother- seeing her love her mom and couldn't bring me more joy; but once I leave seeing her- it's like coming off of some type of's like crashing. And then I have to start healing all over again.

This is a super personal post...but I guess it is MY blog, my place to let my feelings out.

I feel like the longer I go without physically seeing her, touching her, hugging her- I can go on with my new life and be 100% there. I can think about starting my own family. Once I see her, I feel like the wound has been opened and I have to cry it out/talk it out and start again. On the other hand- I want her to know how much I love her. Part of me will always feel like I abandoned her- I think it's a natural feeling. So I feel like if I stop seeing her, I'll be abandoning her again- and she'll think about it when she's older and think I don't love her, when nothing could be further from the truth. All I want her to know is that I love her. I don't think I'm her mom...I don't want to be her mom (I mean, I can't wait to be a mom, I just made my decision- and I understand I am not and will never be her mother). I don't want her to show up at my door when she's 15 (those lovely teenage years) and has just told her mom "you're not my real mom"- and expect me to take her in as my own...and let her hurt her family. I don't EVER want that. I want her to love and adore her family. If someday she tells me she is happy I did what I did- and she knows I love her, but never wants to see me'll be okay. If someday she comes to me and wants a full blown'll be okay (and wonderful). To know she's happy in life is all I want.

I'm ranting...I'm just so torn right now.
I'm going to the party- and I know everything will be fine...I just don't know what's to come after the party...down the road.

It would always be nice to see the other side, right? Too bad I don't have a crystal ball...

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Happy 4th Birthday Kennedy!

Happy 4th Birthday sweet little Kennedy!

I can't believe it's been 4 years. It's crazy to think of how much time has really passed in what seems like so little time. 4 years ago today I was in labor...labor that wasn't going to end the way I thought it was (although, does it really ever? No one ever knows what to expect until they go through it). I was laying comfy in my hospital bed right now- having just had my epidural, texting everyone I knew, telling them little Kennedy was on her way.

Here I am 4 years later, married to an amazing man, living in Idaho- thinking about starting our own family. Kennedy lives in Utah with her family. I don't think I would have seen any of this coming. Heavenly Father has a special way of making things work out just how they're supposed to- not always how we planned.

I dug a few pictures out of my box of memories...scanned them, and decided it was time to post them. I think they are beautiful memories of great times & hard ones.

The only pregnancy photo I think was ever taken...this was a few days before I went into labor. I know the white doesn't showcase the belly all that well, but this is all I've got!

The morning after you were born. I can't remember too much of what happened in the hospital...but I remember how beautiful you were that day.

We used to cuddle/sleep all the time just like this. This was one of my favorite things to do with you (this was when you were a few weeks old).

You were so funny with kisses. You'd usually end up sticking your tongue out.

The day of placement. This was before everything happened, which is why we aren't dealing with puffy eyes here. (scanned this picture so it's obviously not the best quality)

This was at my sister's bridal shower (September 2008). You and your mom came (like you guys do to most family functions- which we are so grateful for)...and we got to play with you for a little bit

You in your pretty Easter dress that my mom made for you. You have always loved my little brother Kaden, you get so excited to play with him every time we see you!

My husband Aaron, you and me! This was when Aaron and I were engaged-we love this picture!

I'm surprisingly handling today very well- most likely because we decided last minute that we're going to go to Utah to her birthday party this weekend. I should have some pictures of that soon...

I'm so grateful I made the decision I did- or I'm not sure where I'd be today. Most likely not in as good of a place as I am, to be honest. I am a firm believer that adoption can be a beautiful thing, but I also understand that it's something every woman has to make a decision on herself. It's not always the best option. Luckily I've been so blessed in my situation- and so has Kennedy- she has the most loving family a little girl could ask for.


Wednesday, July 21, 2010

My Story

I met him at a local college dance. We'll call him D (we don't need him finding this blog) :). I had just returned home from China where I taught English. I was 19, naïve, and believed everything anyone told me. D told me he was investigating the church (meaning he was being taught lessons by missionaries in my church- the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints)- and he was very interested in becoming a member. I ate that all up. I won't go into details, but not too much later, I found out I was pregnant. I was in complete shock. I was a good kid- a bit rebellious at times, but I never thought something like this could happen to me. I told D I was pregnant, and he told me I needed to get an abortion. I never really felt much for D, one way or the other, but at that moment- I was made very aware that something was wrong, this wasn't the type of person I should be seeing.

Abortion was never an option to me. I felt like parenting was the only option for me. I decided to try to work things out with D to see if we could get married (in my church they usually suggest getting married first, if possible, and if not- adoption). Adoption wasn't an option for me, in my mind. Fast forward a few weeks (this all happened in a span of less than a month), D spent Christmas with my family- and ended up stealing money from my parents. Come to find out, D was a major felon. He'd lied about his age, where he was from, and EVERYTHING about his past. He was in and out of jail, on and off of drugs, overall a very scary person. As soon as this was found out, I had to break the news of my pregnancy to my parents (they couldn't figure out why I was even dating D, they had a feeling he was bad news from the start). They took it very well. It hurt everyone involved, but my parents were so supportive, I can't even explain the love I felt from them. They immediately came to my apartment and helped me move home (as soon as we found out about D's past). We all decided it was best if I never spoke to him again; luckily he didn't give us too many problems.

Everyone backed me up in my decision to single parent. My mom went on a rampage of buying adorable things and sewing quilts (we found out I was having a baby girl). They were all so excited. Now that I look back, I was kind of in a daze my entire pregnancy. I wasn't the girl who ever really “showed” while pregnant, so I think I just kind of pretended it wasn't happening. My parents and bishop (church leader) convinced me to go to LDS Family Services for counseling. I went in telling everyone that I wasn't interested in hearing about adoption- and that was that. I had a wonderful counselor who helped me with every up and down throughout my pregnancy. I knew she was always there to listen.

For some reason, I always thought of adoption as “giving up”. It's TERRIBLE for me to say that now, because that is the thing people have said to me that hurts the most.

me and K in her white dress on her blessing day

I had my daughter *K three weeks early, the result of a scary situation ending in an emergency c section. I don't remember much of the hospital stay, my mom says I was kind of like a zombie. I brought little K home and our lives began. I was dealing with some major emotional issues (like most moms do), but mine were amplified because of my situation, and maybe a little postpartum depression.

Five weeks later, I woke up one morning and just lost it emotionally. I didn't understand why I couldn't be happy. I had a BEAUTIFUL little girl, but I wasn't me. I couldn't get it together. I fell to my knees and prayed my little heart out. I asked God to help me, I didn't know what was wrong and I wanted everyone to be happy. Immediately an answer hit me, like a brick wall. “You're being selfish. This little girl wasn't meant for you. She has a mom and dad who have been waiting so long for her.” (not in those exact words, but you get the gist). I had never even THOUGHT of adoption, and it seemed so clear to me in that moment it was crazy! I went into my mom's room crying- and as soon as I opened my mouth she said, “I know” and started crying. She had known most of my pregnancy that this was what was supposed to happen, but none of us wanted to face that- because we all loved little K so much that we didn't want to let her go.

I started looking through profiles online, but no one stood out to me. I went into LDS family services and looked some more. I searched for what felt like FOREVER. As soon as I saw their profile, I knew the P* family was the family I was looking for. To make a long story short, I met them and we all felt an instant connection. They were going to be a part of my life forever.

My husband, me , and K almost 2

I placed my little girl into their arms a week later on September 11th, 2006, six weeks after my daughter was born. I felt an immediate peace once it was all said and done.

I have cried and cried, and thought about her everyday since, but I KNOW what I did was right. I have seen her and her family countless times since then, and I couldn't be happier with the family I chose for her. Adoption is kind of a funny thing- sometimes I hurt so much inside that I just have to cry, but at the same time, I feel so blessed and happy that I don't know what to do with myself. Not one moment have I regretted anything that I've experienced through this process.

I was married in the Mt. Timpanogos temple on June 21st, 2008 to my sweetheart. As we start to think about starting our own forever family, K comes into my mind often. I'm scared for the future, but I am so happy to know that she will know why I did what I did, and will love me for it.

Christmas 2009 K is three!

I wish I knew back then how happy I could end up. I am living my dream life- I have a husband who adores me, we fall more in love with each other everyday. When I was younger I didn't think I deserved much- I was a teenager who ended up pregnant, so I looked for the wrong guys. I should have known that I was a good person, that if I waited, I would find the perfect person for me- and luckily I did. I wish I would have known that everyone has their own opinion about adoption- and that I should listen to all of them, but if I didn't agree, just let those opinions go in one ear and right out the other. I was told by a very close family friend in the beginning of my pregnancy that everyone makes mistakes, everyone sins, but my mistake was going to show- everyone was going to know about it. She told me if her mistakes were shown on her belly, she'd be much larger than I was going to end up. As silly as it sounds, this helped carry me throughout my entire pregnancy. EVERYONE makes mistakes, its what you do to learn and grow from them that will decide the kind of person you are.