Thursday, November 18, 2010


So I just got a call from the insurance company- asking if my daughter needed to be covered (since I wrote that I had a c section). That's the first time I've gotten that...and had to say out loud that she was placed for adoption. A little awkward (mostly because the lady who called knew my husband since he was little).

Guess I'd better get used to that for when I start having children and I get questions about my child and my c section. :)

Monday, November 8, 2010

5 years.

So just about 5 years ago is the time I got pregnant. Weird. I've actually been thinking about it a lot lately...randomly. It's kind of hard that I told my family I was pregnant the day after Christmas, because every time Christmas rolls around all of those emotions come back. Kennedy's birth father stealing money from my family Christmas day...him attacking me at my apartment...finding out about his real past...telling my parents, them moving me home. It was a rough few days that year.

I can't believe how much my life has changed/how far I've come. I'm in an amazingly loving relationship with a wonderful man who supports me no matter what, I have so much more love and respect for everyone around me, I can actually start processing the thought of having a family at some point- life is just good. I have so many blessings. I wouldn't say I was ever a pessimistic person- but now I can't help but be happy...there really isn't anything in life to be angry about! I'm a firm believer in the fact that no matter what happens, everything will be okay. As long as you are trying your hardest to be a good person and do the right things, Heavenly Father will be there to pick you up when you're down, even at your lowest lows.

So today, I'm feeling blessed! Bring on a new week! :)

Friday, November 5, 2010

LDS Family Services

When I was pregnant I started going to LDS Family Services for counseling, and they are ultimately who I placed Kennedy through. I couldn't have had a better experience. They have "birth mom groups" that meet weekly- which was such a blessing. It's so nice to be in an environment where you can say anything and people can really understand how you feel. I continued going for about 6 months after Kennedy was born and then just stopped- life got a little bit busy.

I have become a part of a bunch of groups online- and talk with a lot of birth moms online- but I hadn't thought to contact LDS family services again, until Monday. I decided to call the LDS Family Services here in Idaho Falls to see if they happen to have a birth mom group. Well, they do!

I'll be attending every Wednesday from now on when I'm not working- and I'm really excited about it. They do panels where we can talk to potential adoptive parents (kind of make them feel more comfortable about open adoption/our experiences) and also panels where birth moms and also single parents come and talk to pregnant girls who aren't sure what they want to do.

I know it will help me move further along in the healing process- and I'm hoping somewhere along the line maybe I can help someone too. :)

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Hurtful words.

I am a part of a facebook group where "birth mothers" are supposed to support each other. I'm actually an administrator on the page- so I create discussions/comments etc. It has been AMAZING to me to see some of the terrible things people say/feel about adoption. Growing up in the land full of Mormons- I've always thought adoption was a great thing- families were so happy and it is such a beautiful blessing when people are able to become parents who wouldn't have been able to otherwise.

I guess not all people think like me.

I've been told I'm a terrible person for just "giving my child away". If "I loved her" I would never have abandoned her. Supposedly- she will grow up hating me and in pain her entire life because of the choice I made.

I can't tell you how many times I've felt like I was stabbed in the chest when I read things people say. But as terrible as people can make you feel for that second...I can honestly say I am COMPLETELY at peace with my decision. I have NEVER once regretted what I did. It's very hard to explain to people that Heavenly Father told me what to do. I have never had a revelation like what I did that day- and its something so spiritual to me that I don't believe many people can understand it, and that's okay.

I believe children are a beautiful gift sent from God. I believe children in Heaven choose whose families they will be coming to. I believe Kennedy chose her parents. I believe that for some reason, she came through me to be with them. I still see a part of me every time I look at her- and I know someday she'll come to me with questions- but I hope someday she will come to me and thank me. And I really think she will.

I have heard so many times, "I could never give my child away"- and you know what- I'm pretty sure I spoke those EXACT words because I went through my experience. Given the choice to make the right decision for your child, no matter how hard it may be, I HOPE that most mothers would make the right one (no matter what it may be). I could have raised my daughter- she would have been surrounded by love...but I knew she wasn't meant for me...and that was that. I feel no pressure to please others- I don't need your acceptance- I am at peace. I am happy. I am SO blessed.

By the way- I would be more than happy to answer ANY questions anyone may have- no matter how intrusive you may think you're being. I am an open book about my life- and its actually therapeutic to talk about everything, I'm not one of those "brush it under the rug" types.

P.S. Got an email today from Kennedy's mom- and 3 emails of pictures. I made one cute little girl. :)

Tuesday, November 2, 2010


Every year for Christmas I give my daughter a personalized ornament. For the past 4 years its been something to have to do with princesses...with her name on it. It's SO much fun to find the perfect ornament each year and have it engraved for her.

When we went to her family's house for the first Christmas I was surprised and so happy to see that my daughter had a GORGEOUS Christmas tree in her room filled with girlie ornaments, including those I had given her. Each year since I've gotten to see her tree fill up with the most beautiful ornaments. It's so special to me to see something like that displayed- so she knows how much I love her.

National Adoption Month

November is National Adoption Month! I've decided to take the 30 day challenge talked about here and I'm so excited about it! My first post will be tonight...can't wait! :)