Guest Posted

I know I've been MIA for so long...I'm working on a few new posts- but for now, I guest posted on a friend's blog- go check it out!


http://ivoryk.blogspot.com/

Autobiography

My best friend Megan asked me to write a one paragraph autobiography of my life...so I decided to post it here. It's one long paragraph (haha).

Britney's Autobiography

When I was 15 I was intelligent, driven and pure. Sitting in my creative writing class ten years ago I'm sure I was given the writing assignment, "Where do you think you will be in ten years?" and my response would have most definitely been, "Married and a stay at home mom to a child(ren)". Fast forward to now and you'd see that picture precisely. I'm a wife to the most wonderful man and I'm a stay at home mother to an adorable little boy. What I wouldn't have predicted; however, would have been the experiences, regrets and events between then and now, thus shaping the woman I have become. At 18 I was able to travel to China and teach English to children which brought to light the love I have always had for helping children. At 19 my life would change forever. I was raised in a religious family (we're members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints), but for some reason a part of me had always been a bit rebellious against the things I knew were right. I made the unfortunate decision to put myself around a crowd of people who would bring out the worst in me, and I ended up pregnant. At 20 I had my beautiful baby girl. Six weeks after her birth I made the decision to place her for adoption, which I stand firm in knowing it was the right thing to do, but didn't/hasn't made the emotions dealing with it any easier. For about a year after that I continued down a bad path of many regrets and lost a very close friend to a drug overdose. I met my husband on New Years Eve of 2007 and life changed once again, but this time for the better. Our first date wasn't until the week before Valentine's Day- but we were able to impact each others lives enough to set us both straight. We were married in June of 2008 and life has been what I can only describe as nearly perfect since then. Having my son in August of 2011 has brought a new meaning to my life- and my role as a mother is my driving force. I am now an advocate of adoption and a strong believer in forgiveness. There are two things I know for sure; one, Heavenly Father loves each and every one of us and will always be there for us and two, no matter the consequences- we each have the option to choose how to respond and how to live from that day forward. For me, I choose everyday to be happy.

5 years!

Today is miss Kennedy's 5th birthday! I seriously can't believe it's been 5 years. I also can't seriously believe that within about 4-5 weeks, I'm going to be doing the whole baby thing all over again. Terrifying, but amazing!

We're headed to Utah this weekend for her birthday party- and it seems as the years pass, everything gets easier for me. She has become more of a part of my extended family I feel like, than my daughter. Most likely I feel this way because I know I obviously haven't raised her. To see her call her adoptive mom "mom" is exactly what I like to hear/see. To know she lives a dream life with her family puts me at ease. I know making the decision to place her for adoption isn't something everyone agrees with, but I know I did at least one thing right by choosing the absolute best parents for her that I could have. They are heaven sent.

I've kind of come to a crossroads where adoption becomes a little more confusing. I'm not sure exactly what Kennedy knows about me, about who she thinks my family is. I haven't asked her mom- all I know is that Kennedy knows my entire family by name, and knows that we all love her. I'd assume she'd have asked some questions, because she's crazy smart (and her 9 year old brother still sees his birth mom from time to time). I'm also not sure how to continue our relationship as my personal family starts to grow. I can either be upfront and honest from the get go with my children...or I can "hide" my past persay- and once they are old enough, they'll be told about it. For me personally, I think honesty is the best policy- and there is no reason to hide something like that from them, but it will be something my husband and I need to talk through before that decision is made.

I kind of got off topic. Here's to you Kennedy, I hope you have the best princess filled 5th birthday a little girl could dream of! I'll post pictures on Sunday. :)

(this is from my baby shower at the beginning of June)  :)

Glenn Beck

I've always liked Glenn Beck (don't hate me for it). I heard that today on his radio show he was mentioning birth moms. I guess him and his wife have adopted- and have had an amazing experience. Just read this quote from his show and loved it- thought I should share,

"This little girl was a hero. She was a remarkable superhero. Raphe doesn’t need Spiderman or Superman; he’s got his natural mother as an example of what real superheroes do. Real superheroes don’t think about themselves. Real superheroes don’t make their life all about them. Real superheroes do the hard thing, and I can’t imagine anything tougher than giving birth to a child and giving that child away and then wondering your whole life what’s happening in his day."


...I'm not calling myself a superhero, because I think that's ridiculous. But I do think the high regard he holds his son's natural mother in is a beautiful thing. 

You can find him and his wife's adoption story here: http://fsaaf.blogspot.com/2008/09/glen-and-tania-becks-adoption-journey.html

Interview

Stole this off a fellow birth mom's blog. :)

1. What emotions did you experience when you initially found out about the pregnancy?

I was in shock. I think I was actually in shock my entire pregnancy, to be honest. I went through a lot of depression and confusion.

2. Did you plan for single-parenting or marriage?

Never planned on marriage. I was planning on single parenting from the get go

3. Why did you consider adoption? Did you consider abortion as an option?

I didn't consider adoption. I also said a firm no to abortion (I'm pro life). I didn't even TALK about adoption until Kennedy was 6 weeks old

4. What were your major concerns when considering adoption?

I just wanted her to be raised how I would raise her- and have a loving family.

5. Did you have any specifications when searching for your adoptive couple?

I wanted them to be a lot like my parents- I wanted them to raise her like I was raised. And to be strong LDS (Mormon) members.

6. How long into the pregnancy did you wait before selecting a couple?

Didn't even look into it until she was 6 weeks old.

7. Looking at the way your birth child is being raised, are there any parenting practices you disagree with? Or value differences?

No. I picked the PERFECT family for my daughter, and I wouldn't change a thing. They give her everything I could have imagined wanting her to have in life.

8. Is there anything you would change about your current placement?

No. I think everything went as well as I could have pictured it going.

9. How do you feel about the adoptive parents? Is the relationship open/closed? Would you change the current arrangement?

I love her parents. They feel like family to me! It's a super open relationship (we actually email a few times a week, see each other every couple months). Wouldn't change a thing.

10. Do you want to have more children?

Absolutely. I'm pregnant now, so I sure hope so!

11. How would you feel if you were unable to conceive again? Would you consider adopting?

I was VERY worried about this. It took my husband and I about 9 months to get pregnant, so I started to get a bit nervous towards the last few months (since I got pregnant the first time last time). I would have definitely considered adoption- I wouldn't have ever done IVF or anything (just not my thing- I'd rather adopt).

Announcement.

Thought I should probably post my big announcement on this blog as well.

I'm pregnant! 9 weeks 1 day along today...and feeling like crap. :)

Smells are horrible, I get crazy headaches, I am dizzy all the time, and nausea is overwhelming. Bloated like crazy (or already showing- who the heck knows). The things we voluntarily do to have a little one- sheesh! Haha.

Pregnancy this time has definitely brought on an array of emotions- much different than last time. I've told myself SEVERAL times over the last 2 years that I couldn't wait to be pregnant, I was just scared about the actually having a baby at home part. Now, not so much. I must have done a great job at blocking out the bad parts of pregnancy in my mind- because being back in it- they instantly came flooding back. I do NOT love being pregnant. Pregnancy sickness is horrid, it's like the stomach flu 24/7. Luckily they have medication to help out now...or I'd be completely useless. Aaron has been AMAZING to me- he has cooked just about all of our meals, cleans the house...and even found time to surprise me with a gift certificate for a massage. I can't explain how blessed I feel this time around to have such a supportive man by my side- he makes life so much easier for me. Having said that- I am SO thankful that I have the opportunity to be pregnant again.

I'm already very scared about the way this baby is going to make his/her appearance. My last labor experience was very traumatic- ending in an emergency c section. This time I can try for a VBAC (vaginal birth after Cesarean) or have a scheduled c-section. I'm very back and forth on this. It's an emotional decision for me- and one I don't think I'll be making until close to my due date.

I just wanted to say thank you to everyone for their continued love and support. We are VERY excited to start our forever family with this little one- and I am completely terrified at the same time. I'll continue to write my personal feelings on this blog- as well as pictures of the already growing bump and what not.

Love you all.

Christmas

Spending Christmas in Utah was wonderful (minus the fact that they had ZERO snow- what kind of a Christmas is that? haha). Anyway- Wednesday night Kennedy and her family came down for our annual Christmas party. She looked ADORABLE! We got her a bunch of dress up clothes/ballet tutu's and she loved them all. Thought I'd post a few pics from that night.

Hope you all had a wonderful blessed Christmas and that the holidays continue to be amazing!

Christmas.

After talking with MANY other birth moms, I've come to realize how lucky and blessed that I am to have complete open-ness (is this a word?) and trust with Kennedy's parents. A lot of birth moms were promised contact with their child/their child's adoptive parents and contact was cut off some time after placement. They don't know how/where their child is or how they're doing. That would tear me apart.

I will be seeing her for Christmas next Wednesday and I can't wait. Sometimes I may get weird about it and think I need to slow down on seeing her- but then I think about how blessed I am that they want us in her life and want her to know how much I love her. I want her to know how much I love her and I want her to know why I chose to place her with her family...what better way could I do that than continuing to be a part of her life (no matter how small it may be)?

Thank you A & C. :)

P.S. Huge slacker- I know. Pictures will obviously be coming next week.

P.P.S. My little sister had her first baby a week ago. My first time back in the hospital where I had Kennedy. I had a mild breakdown and got crazy sick. Let's just say I'm glad I won't be back there anytime soon. :) On the other hand, her baby is gorgeous and I can't get enough of her.

Awkward.

So I just got a call from the insurance company- asking if my daughter needed to be covered (since I wrote that I had a c section). That's the first time I've gotten that...and had to say out loud that she was placed for adoption. A little awkward (mostly because the lady who called knew my husband since he was little).

Guess I'd better get used to that for when I start having children and I get questions about my child and my c section. :)

5 years.

So just about 5 years ago is the time I got pregnant. Weird. I've actually been thinking about it a lot lately...randomly. It's kind of hard that I told my family I was pregnant the day after Christmas, because every time Christmas rolls around all of those emotions come back. Kennedy's birth father stealing money from my family Christmas day...him attacking me at my apartment...finding out about his real past...telling my parents, them moving me home. It was a rough few days that year.

I can't believe how much my life has changed/how far I've come. I'm in an amazingly loving relationship with a wonderful man who supports me no matter what, I have so much more love and respect for everyone around me, I can actually start processing the thought of having a family at some point- life is just good. I have so many blessings. I wouldn't say I was ever a pessimistic person- but now I can't help but be happy...there really isn't anything in life to be angry about! I'm a firm believer in the fact that no matter what happens, everything will be okay. As long as you are trying your hardest to be a good person and do the right things, Heavenly Father will be there to pick you up when you're down, even at your lowest lows.

So today, I'm feeling blessed! Bring on a new week! :)

LDS Family Services

When I was pregnant I started going to LDS Family Services for counseling, and they are ultimately who I placed Kennedy through. I couldn't have had a better experience. They have "birth mom groups" that meet weekly- which was such a blessing. It's so nice to be in an environment where you can say anything and people can really understand how you feel. I continued going for about 6 months after Kennedy was born and then just stopped- life got a little bit busy.

I have become a part of a bunch of groups online- and talk with a lot of birth moms online- but I hadn't thought to contact LDS family services again, until Monday. I decided to call the LDS Family Services here in Idaho Falls to see if they happen to have a birth mom group. Well, they do!

I'll be attending every Wednesday from now on when I'm not working- and I'm really excited about it. They do panels where we can talk to potential adoptive parents (kind of make them feel more comfortable about open adoption/our experiences) and also panels where birth moms and also single parents come and talk to pregnant girls who aren't sure what they want to do.

I know it will help me move further along in the healing process- and I'm hoping somewhere along the line maybe I can help someone too. :)

Hurtful words.

I am a part of a facebook group where "birth mothers" are supposed to support each other. I'm actually an administrator on the page- so I create discussions/comments etc. It has been AMAZING to me to see some of the terrible things people say/feel about adoption. Growing up in the land full of Mormons- I've always thought adoption was a great thing- families were so happy and it is such a beautiful blessing when people are able to become parents who wouldn't have been able to otherwise.

I guess not all people think like me.

I've been told I'm a terrible person for just "giving my child away". If "I loved her" I would never have abandoned her. Supposedly- she will grow up hating me and in pain her entire life because of the choice I made.

I can't tell you how many times I've felt like I was stabbed in the chest when I read things people say. But as terrible as people can make you feel for that second...I can honestly say I am COMPLETELY at peace with my decision. I have NEVER once regretted what I did. It's very hard to explain to people that Heavenly Father told me what to do. I have never had a revelation like what I did that day- and its something so spiritual to me that I don't believe many people can understand it, and that's okay.

I believe children are a beautiful gift sent from God. I believe children in Heaven choose whose families they will be coming to. I believe Kennedy chose her parents. I believe that for some reason, she came through me to be with them. I still see a part of me every time I look at her- and I know someday she'll come to me with questions- but I hope someday she will come to me and thank me. And I really think she will.

I have heard so many times, "I could never give my child away"- and you know what- I'm pretty sure I spoke those EXACT words because I went through my experience. Given the choice to make the right decision for your child, no matter how hard it may be, I HOPE that most mothers would make the right one (no matter what it may be). I could have raised my daughter- she would have been surrounded by love...but I knew she wasn't meant for me...and that was that. I feel no pressure to please others- I don't need your acceptance- I am at peace. I am happy. I am SO blessed.

By the way- I would be more than happy to answer ANY questions anyone may have- no matter how intrusive you may think you're being. I am an open book about my life- and its actually therapeutic to talk about everything, I'm not one of those "brush it under the rug" types.


P.S. Got an email today from Kennedy's mom- and 3 emails of pictures. I made one cute little girl. :)

Ornaments.

Every year for Christmas I give my daughter a personalized ornament. For the past 4 years its been something to have to do with princesses...with her name on it. It's SO much fun to find the perfect ornament each year and have it engraved for her.

When we went to her family's house for the first Christmas I was surprised and so happy to see that my daughter had a GORGEOUS Christmas tree in her room filled with girlie ornaments, including those I had given her. Each year since I've gotten to see her tree fill up with the most beautiful ornaments. It's so special to me to see something like that displayed- so she knows how much I love her.

National Adoption Month

November is National Adoption Month! I've decided to take the 30 day challenge talked about here and I'm so excited about it! My first post will be tonight...can't wait! :)

Coincidence or Fate

It's been a while.

I've had lots of cool things happening in life lately. I got a new job (well, two). One day I was walking through the high school where I work when someone shouted, "Hey, wait!" I turned around and a girl explained that she recognized me from a birth mom blog that I guest posted on a bit ago.

Strange right?

It's nice to have a connection with someone instantly- and that's how I feel when I meet people connected to adoption in one way or another (she is adopted- and has just recently met and started a great relationship with her birth father). I love to see her at school- and hear about the awesome experiences she's going through right now. Also super weird that on a non-local blog, someone from Idaho Falls- from the high school I work at- ran into me.

I've gotten lots of emails and gorgeous pictures of Kennedy lately- I'll get around to posting them this weekend hopefully.

Life is beautiful and amazing and I feel so blessed. Love you all.

Birthday Day

Birthday day has come and gone, and I'm doing just great! Her birthday party was a great experience...I think it kind of actually helped me have a bit more closure, seeing all of her family and friends there giving her a great party. This post is loaded with pictures (mostly for my sake)- so feel free to take a look! :)

Kennedy & me (her holding the present we gave her- it was definitely a hit!)

It seemed that the theme was barbie & princesses this year- she got SO many barbie things! It was kind of nice that we gave her the only "cuddly" thing- kids love that soft stuff!

Kennedy ADORES my dad. They play games constantly and just laugh like crazy.

another super adorable picture with the bear

She's really into beetles/bugs right now I guess- this cake was SO perfect, the look on her face when her dad brought it out was priceless.

...last part of the reaction. At first she literally dropped her jaw. :)

...little princess

...it makes me so happy to see her excelling and growing so much. She is SO smart it's crazy. She just turned 4 and she talks/acts like a teenager- she even calls her brother (whose almost 9) "little brother"...while bossing him around. I was in advanced programs throughout elementary (Gifted and Talented Education- and then another program once I moved to Utah- and no, it wasn't for slow kids, like my husband likes to tease me)...and I have a feeling Kennedy will be the same way. It makes me feel good because physically I don't think Kennedy looks like me at all...but I think her personality is a lot like mine.

Anyway, the party was great. We ended up being an hour late because of construction and me getting pulled over- but besides that, we had a wonderful weekend. I got laid off from my job yesterday- so I'm kind of too emotionally drained to get into anything really right now- but I'm sure another post will be coming soon. :)

Big Day

**disclaimer: I know that some people don't agree with me or my decisions- I just write this blog to let my feelings out, and to hopefully come in contact with some people who have gone down the road I'm going. I welcome all comments, opinions, whatever it may be that you have to say. :)

Well, tomorrow is the big day. We're headed down to Utah to go to Kennedy's birthday party. It was kind of a last minute decision- I've been very back and forth on it. It's not that I didn't want to go- but it's also not that I've known I wanted to go for sure.

Adoption is such a bittersweet situation. I love Kennedy and her family like crazy- but there is a hole in my heart that probably won't ever be completely mended. My old bishop told me that other things/people will come into my life and fill the hole as best as they can- but nothing will ever completely fix it. I completely agree. I feel SO at peace with my decision- but I still feel an emptiness inside.

Seeing her makes me so happy- seeing her run around and play with her brother- seeing her love her mom and dad...it couldn't bring me more joy; but once I leave seeing her- it's like coming off of some type of high...it's like crashing. And then I have to start healing all over again.

This is a super personal post...but I guess it is MY blog, my place to let my feelings out.

I feel like the longer I go without physically seeing her, touching her, hugging her- I can go on with my new life and be 100% there. I can think about starting my own family. Once I see her, I feel like the wound has been opened and I have to cry it out/talk it out and start again. On the other hand- I want her to know how much I love her. Part of me will always feel like I abandoned her- I think it's a natural feeling. So I feel like if I stop seeing her, I'll be abandoning her again- and she'll think about it when she's older and think I don't love her, when nothing could be further from the truth. All I want her to know is that I love her. I don't think I'm her mom...I don't want to be her mom (I mean, I can't wait to be a mom, I just made my decision- and I understand I am not and will never be her mother). I don't want her to show up at my door when she's 15 (those lovely teenage years) and has just told her mom "you're not my real mom"- and expect me to take her in as my own...and let her hurt her family. I don't EVER want that. I want her to love and adore her family. If someday she tells me she is happy I did what I did- and she knows I love her, but never wants to see me again....it'll be okay. If someday she comes to me and wants a full blown relationship...it'll be okay (and wonderful). To know she's happy in life is all I want.

I'm ranting...I'm just so torn right now.
I'm going to the party- and I know everything will be fine...I just don't know what's to come after the party...down the road.

It would always be nice to see the other side, right? Too bad I don't have a crystal ball...

Happy 4th Birthday Kennedy!

Happy 4th Birthday sweet little Kennedy!

I can't believe it's been 4 years. It's crazy to think of how much time has really passed in what seems like so little time. 4 years ago today I was in labor...labor that wasn't going to end the way I thought it was (although, does it really ever? No one ever knows what to expect until they go through it). I was laying comfy in my hospital bed right now- having just had my epidural, texting everyone I knew, telling them little Kennedy was on her way.

Here I am 4 years later, married to an amazing man, living in Idaho- thinking about starting our own family. Kennedy lives in Utah with her family. I don't think I would have seen any of this coming. Heavenly Father has a special way of making things work out just how they're supposed to- not always how we planned.

I dug a few pictures out of my box of memories...scanned them, and decided it was time to post them. I think they are beautiful memories of great times & hard ones.

The only pregnancy photo I think was ever taken...this was a few days before I went into labor. I know the white doesn't showcase the belly all that well, but this is all I've got!

The morning after you were born. I can't remember too much of what happened in the hospital...but I remember how beautiful you were that day.

We used to cuddle/sleep all the time just like this. This was one of my favorite things to do with you (this was when you were a few weeks old).

You were so funny with kisses. You'd usually end up sticking your tongue out.

The day of placement. This was before everything happened, which is why we aren't dealing with puffy eyes here. (scanned this picture so it's obviously not the best quality)

This was at my sister's bridal shower (September 2008). You and your mom came (like you guys do to most family functions- which we are so grateful for)...and we got to play with you for a little bit

You in your pretty Easter dress that my mom made for you. You have always loved my little brother Kaden, you get so excited to play with him every time we see you!

My husband Aaron, you and me! This was when Aaron and I were engaged-we love this picture!

I'm surprisingly handling today very well- most likely because we decided last minute that we're going to go to Utah to her birthday party this weekend. I should have some pictures of that soon...

I'm so grateful I made the decision I did- or I'm not sure where I'd be today. Most likely not in as good of a place as I am, to be honest. I am a firm believer that adoption can be a beautiful thing, but I also understand that it's something every woman has to make a decision on herself. It's not always the best option. Luckily I've been so blessed in my situation- and so has Kennedy- she has the most loving family a little girl could ask for.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SWEETHEART!

My Story

I met him at a local college dance. We'll call him D (we don't need him finding this blog) :). I had just returned home from China where I taught English. I was 19, naïve, and believed everything anyone told me. D told me he was investigating the church (meaning he was being taught lessons by missionaries in my church- the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints)- and he was very interested in becoming a member. I ate that all up. I won't go into details, but not too much later, I found out I was pregnant. I was in complete shock. I was a good kid- a bit rebellious at times, but I never thought something like this could happen to me. I told D I was pregnant, and he told me I needed to get an abortion. I never really felt much for D, one way or the other, but at that moment- I was made very aware that something was wrong, this wasn't the type of person I should be seeing.

Abortion was never an option to me. I felt like parenting was the only option for me. I decided to try to work things out with D to see if we could get married (in my church they usually suggest getting married first, if possible, and if not- adoption). Adoption wasn't an option for me, in my mind. Fast forward a few weeks (this all happened in a span of less than a month), D spent Christmas with my family- and ended up stealing money from my parents. Come to find out, D was a major felon. He'd lied about his age, where he was from, and EVERYTHING about his past. He was in and out of jail, on and off of drugs, overall a very scary person. As soon as this was found out, I had to break the news of my pregnancy to my parents (they couldn't figure out why I was even dating D, they had a feeling he was bad news from the start). They took it very well. It hurt everyone involved, but my parents were so supportive, I can't even explain the love I felt from them. They immediately came to my apartment and helped me move home (as soon as we found out about D's past). We all decided it was best if I never spoke to him again; luckily he didn't give us too many problems.

Everyone backed me up in my decision to single parent. My mom went on a rampage of buying adorable things and sewing quilts (we found out I was having a baby girl). They were all so excited. Now that I look back, I was kind of in a daze my entire pregnancy. I wasn't the girl who ever really “showed” while pregnant, so I think I just kind of pretended it wasn't happening. My parents and bishop (church leader) convinced me to go to LDS Family Services for counseling. I went in telling everyone that I wasn't interested in hearing about adoption- and that was that. I had a wonderful counselor who helped me with every up and down throughout my pregnancy. I knew she was always there to listen.

For some reason, I always thought of adoption as “giving up”. It's TERRIBLE for me to say that now, because that is the thing people have said to me that hurts the most.

me and K in her white dress on her blessing day

I had my daughter *K three weeks early, the result of a scary situation ending in an emergency c section. I don't remember much of the hospital stay, my mom says I was kind of like a zombie. I brought little K home and our lives began. I was dealing with some major emotional issues (like most moms do), but mine were amplified because of my situation, and maybe a little postpartum depression.

Five weeks later, I woke up one morning and just lost it emotionally. I didn't understand why I couldn't be happy. I had a BEAUTIFUL little girl, but I wasn't me. I couldn't get it together. I fell to my knees and prayed my little heart out. I asked God to help me, I didn't know what was wrong and I wanted everyone to be happy. Immediately an answer hit me, like a brick wall. “You're being selfish. This little girl wasn't meant for you. She has a mom and dad who have been waiting so long for her.” (not in those exact words, but you get the gist). I had never even THOUGHT of adoption, and it seemed so clear to me in that moment it was crazy! I went into my mom's room crying- and as soon as I opened my mouth she said, “I know” and started crying. She had known most of my pregnancy that this was what was supposed to happen, but none of us wanted to face that- because we all loved little K so much that we didn't want to let her go.

I started looking through profiles online, but no one stood out to me. I went into LDS family services and looked some more. I searched for what felt like FOREVER. As soon as I saw their profile, I knew the P* family was the family I was looking for. To make a long story short, I met them and we all felt an instant connection. They were going to be a part of my life forever.

My husband, me , and K almost 2

I placed my little girl into their arms a week later on September 11^th, 2006, six weeks after my daughter was born. I felt an immediate peace once it was all said and done.

I have cried and cried, and thought about her everyday since, but I KNOW what I did was right. I have seen her and her family countless times since then, and I couldn't be happier with the family I chose for her. Adoption is kind of a funny thing- sometimes I hurt so much inside that I just have to cry, but at the same time, I feel so blessed and happy that I don't know what to do with myself. Not one moment have I regretted anything that I've experienced through this process.

I was married in the Mt. Timpanogos temple on June 21^st, 2008 to my sweetheart. As we start to think about starting our own forever family, K comes into my mind often. I'm scared for the future, but I am so happy to know that she will know why I did what I did, and will love me for it.

Christmas 2009 K is three!

I wish I knew back then how happy I could end up. I am living my dream life- I have a husband who adores me, we fall more in love with each other everyday. When I was younger I didn't think I deserved much- I was a teenager who ended up pregnant, so I looked for the wrong guys. I should have known that I was a good person, that if I waited, I would find the perfect person for me- and luckily I did. I wish I would have known that everyone has their own opinion about adoption- and that I should listen to all of them, but if I didn't agree, just let those opinions go in one ear and right out the other. I was told by a very close family friend in the beginning of my pregnancy that everyone makes mistakes, everyone sins, but my mistake was going to show- everyone was going to know about it. She told me if her mistakes were shown on her belly, she'd be much larger than I was going to end up. As silly as it sounds, this helped carry me throughout my entire pregnancy. EVERYONE makes mistakes, its what you do to learn and grow from them that will decide the kind of person you are.