Big Day

**disclaimer: I know that some people don't agree with me or my decisions- I just write this blog to let my feelings out, and to hopefully come in contact with some people who have gone down the road I'm going. I welcome all comments, opinions, whatever it may be that you have to say. :)

Well, tomorrow is the big day. We're headed down to Utah to go to Kennedy's birthday party. It was kind of a last minute decision- I've been very back and forth on it. It's not that I didn't want to go- but it's also not that I've known I wanted to go for sure.

Adoption is such a bittersweet situation. I love Kennedy and her family like crazy- but there is a hole in my heart that probably won't ever be completely mended. My old bishop told me that other things/people will come into my life and fill the hole as best as they can- but nothing will ever completely fix it. I completely agree. I feel SO at peace with my decision- but I still feel an emptiness inside.

Seeing her makes me so happy- seeing her run around and play with her brother- seeing her love her mom and dad...it couldn't bring me more joy; but once I leave seeing her- it's like coming off of some type of high...it's like crashing. And then I have to start healing all over again.

This is a super personal post...but I guess it is MY blog, my place to let my feelings out.

I feel like the longer I go without physically seeing her, touching her, hugging her- I can go on with my new life and be 100% there. I can think about starting my own family. Once I see her, I feel like the wound has been opened and I have to cry it out/talk it out and start again. On the other hand- I want her to know how much I love her. Part of me will always feel like I abandoned her- I think it's a natural feeling. So I feel like if I stop seeing her, I'll be abandoning her again- and she'll think about it when she's older and think I don't love her, when nothing could be further from the truth. All I want her to know is that I love her. I don't think I'm her mom...I don't want to be her mom (I mean, I can't wait to be a mom, I just made my decision- and I understand I am not and will never be her mother). I don't want her to show up at my door when she's 15 (those lovely teenage years) and has just told her mom "you're not my real mom"- and expect me to take her in as my own...and let her hurt her family. I don't EVER want that. I want her to love and adore her family. If someday she tells me she is happy I did what I did- and she knows I love her, but never wants to see me again....it'll be okay. If someday she comes to me and wants a full blown relationship...it'll be okay (and wonderful). To know she's happy in life is all I want.

I'm ranting...I'm just so torn right now.
I'm going to the party- and I know everything will be fine...I just don't know what's to come after the party...down the road.

It would always be nice to see the other side, right? Too bad I don't have a crystal ball...