Monday, December 27, 2010
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
I will be seeing her for Christmas next Wednesday and I can't wait. Sometimes I may get weird about it and think I need to slow down on seeing her- but then I think about how blessed I am that they want us in her life and want her to know how much I love her. I want her to know how much I love her and I want her to know why I chose to place her with her family...what better way could I do that than continuing to be a part of her life (no matter how small it may be)?
Thank you A & C. :)
P.S. Huge slacker- I know. Pictures will obviously be coming next week.
P.P.S. My little sister had her first baby a week ago. My first time back in the hospital where I had Kennedy. I had a mild breakdown and got crazy sick. Let's just say I'm glad I won't be back there anytime soon. :) On the other hand, her baby is gorgeous and I can't get enough of her.
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Guess I'd better get used to that for when I start having children and I get questions about my child and my c section. :)
Monday, November 8, 2010
I can't believe how much my life has changed/how far I've come. I'm in an amazingly loving relationship with a wonderful man who supports me no matter what, I have so much more love and respect for everyone around me, I can actually start processing the thought of having a family at some point- life is just good. I have so many blessings. I wouldn't say I was ever a pessimistic person- but now I can't help but be happy...there really isn't anything in life to be angry about! I'm a firm believer in the fact that no matter what happens, everything will be okay. As long as you are trying your hardest to be a good person and do the right things, Heavenly Father will be there to pick you up when you're down, even at your lowest lows.
So today, I'm feeling blessed! Bring on a new week! :)
Friday, November 5, 2010
I have become a part of a bunch of groups online- and talk with a lot of birth moms online- but I hadn't thought to contact LDS family services again, until Monday. I decided to call the LDS Family Services here in Idaho Falls to see if they happen to have a birth mom group. Well, they do!
I'll be attending every Wednesday from now on when I'm not working- and I'm really excited about it. They do panels where we can talk to potential adoptive parents (kind of make them feel more comfortable about open adoption/our experiences) and also panels where birth moms and also single parents come and talk to pregnant girls who aren't sure what they want to do.
I know it will help me move further along in the healing process- and I'm hoping somewhere along the line maybe I can help someone too. :)
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
I guess not all people think like me.
I've been told I'm a terrible person for just "giving my child away". If "I loved her" I would never have abandoned her. Supposedly- she will grow up hating me and in pain her entire life because of the choice I made.
I can't tell you how many times I've felt like I was stabbed in the chest when I read things people say. But as terrible as people can make you feel for that second...I can honestly say I am COMPLETELY at peace with my decision. I have NEVER once regretted what I did. It's very hard to explain to people that Heavenly Father told me what to do. I have never had a revelation like what I did that day- and its something so spiritual to me that I don't believe many people can understand it, and that's okay.
I believe children are a beautiful gift sent from God. I believe children in Heaven choose whose families they will be coming to. I believe Kennedy chose her parents. I believe that for some reason, she came through me to be with them. I still see a part of me every time I look at her- and I know someday she'll come to me with questions- but I hope someday she will come to me and thank me. And I really think she will.
I have heard so many times, "I could never give my child away"- and you know what- I'm pretty sure I spoke those EXACT words because I went through my experience. Given the choice to make the right decision for your child, no matter how hard it may be, I HOPE that most mothers would make the right one (no matter what it may be). I could have raised my daughter- she would have been surrounded by love...but I knew she wasn't meant for me...and that was that. I feel no pressure to please others- I don't need your acceptance- I am at peace. I am happy. I am SO blessed.
By the way- I would be more than happy to answer ANY questions anyone may have- no matter how intrusive you may think you're being. I am an open book about my life- and its actually therapeutic to talk about everything, I'm not one of those "brush it under the rug" types.
P.S. Got an email today from Kennedy's mom- and 3 emails of pictures. I made one cute little girl. :)
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
Thursday, September 23, 2010
I've had lots of cool things happening in life lately. I got a new job (well, two). One day I was walking through the high school where I work when someone shouted, "Hey, wait!" I turned around and a girl explained that she recognized me from a birth mom blog that I guest posted on a bit ago.
It's nice to have a connection with someone instantly- and that's how I feel when I meet people connected to adoption in one way or another (she is adopted- and has just recently met and started a great relationship with her birth father). I love to see her at school- and hear about the awesome experiences she's going through right now. Also super weird that on a non-local blog, someone from Idaho Falls- from the high school I work at- ran into me.
I've gotten lots of emails and gorgeous pictures of Kennedy lately- I'll get around to posting them this weekend hopefully.
Life is beautiful and amazing and I feel so blessed. Love you all.
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
Kennedy & me (her holding the present we gave her- it was definitely a hit!)
It seemed that the theme was barbie & princesses this year- she got SO many barbie things! It was kind of nice that we gave her the only "cuddly" thing- kids love that soft stuff!
another super adorable picture with the bear
She's really into beetles/bugs right now I guess- this cake was SO perfect, the look on her face when her dad brought it out was priceless.
...last part of the reaction. At first she literally dropped her jaw. :)
...it makes me so happy to see her excelling and growing so much. She is SO smart it's crazy. She just turned 4 and she talks/acts like a teenager- she even calls her brother (whose almost 9) "little brother"...while bossing him around. I was in advanced programs throughout elementary (Gifted and Talented Education- and then another program once I moved to Utah- and no, it wasn't for slow kids, like my husband likes to tease me)...and I have a feeling Kennedy will be the same way. It makes me feel good because physically I don't think Kennedy looks like me at all...but I think her personality is a lot like mine.
Anyway, the party was great. We ended up being an hour late because of construction and me getting pulled over- but besides that, we had a wonderful weekend. I got laid off from my job yesterday- so I'm kind of too emotionally drained to get into anything really right now- but I'm sure another post will be coming soon. :)
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Well, tomorrow is the big day. We're headed down to Utah to go to Kennedy's birthday party. It was kind of a last minute decision- I've been very back and forth on it. It's not that I didn't want to go- but it's also not that I've known I wanted to go for sure.
Adoption is such a bittersweet situation. I love Kennedy and her family like crazy- but there is a hole in my heart that probably won't ever be completely mended. My old bishop told me that other things/people will come into my life and fill the hole as best as they can- but nothing will ever completely fix it. I completely agree. I feel SO at peace with my decision- but I still feel an emptiness inside.
Seeing her makes me so happy- seeing her run around and play with her brother- seeing her love her mom and dad...it couldn't bring me more joy; but once I leave seeing her- it's like coming off of some type of high...it's like crashing. And then I have to start healing all over again.
This is a super personal post...but I guess it is MY blog, my place to let my feelings out.
I feel like the longer I go without physically seeing her, touching her, hugging her- I can go on with my new life and be 100% there. I can think about starting my own family. Once I see her, I feel like the wound has been opened and I have to cry it out/talk it out and start again. On the other hand- I want her to know how much I love her. Part of me will always feel like I abandoned her- I think it's a natural feeling. So I feel like if I stop seeing her, I'll be abandoning her again- and she'll think about it when she's older and think I don't love her, when nothing could be further from the truth. All I want her to know is that I love her. I don't think I'm her mom...I don't want to be her mom (I mean, I can't wait to be a mom, I just made my decision- and I understand I am not and will never be her mother). I don't want her to show up at my door when she's 15 (those lovely teenage years) and has just told her mom "you're not my real mom"- and expect me to take her in as my own...and let her hurt her family. I don't EVER want that. I want her to love and adore her family. If someday she tells me she is happy I did what I did- and she knows I love her, but never wants to see me again....it'll be okay. If someday she comes to me and wants a full blown relationship...it'll be okay (and wonderful). To know she's happy in life is all I want.
I'm ranting...I'm just so torn right now.
I'm going to the party- and I know everything will be fine...I just don't know what's to come after the party...down the road.
It would always be nice to see the other side, right? Too bad I don't have a crystal ball...
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
I can't believe it's been 4 years. It's crazy to think of how much time has really passed in what seems like so little time. 4 years ago today I was in labor...labor that wasn't going to end the way I thought it was (although, does it really ever? No one ever knows what to expect until they go through it). I was laying comfy in my hospital bed right now- having just had my epidural, texting everyone I knew, telling them little Kennedy was on her way.
Here I am 4 years later, married to an amazing man, living in Idaho- thinking about starting our own family. Kennedy lives in Utah with her family. I don't think I would have seen any of this coming. Heavenly Father has a special way of making things work out just how they're supposed to- not always how we planned.
I dug a few pictures out of my box of memories...scanned them, and decided it was time to post them. I think they are beautiful memories of great times & hard ones.
I'm surprisingly handling today very well- most likely because we decided last minute that we're going to go to Utah to her birthday party this weekend. I should have some pictures of that soon...
I'm so grateful I made the decision I did- or I'm not sure where I'd be today. Most likely not in as good of a place as I am, to be honest. I am a firm believer that adoption can be a beautiful thing, but I also understand that it's something every woman has to make a decision on herself. It's not always the best option. Luckily I've been so blessed in my situation- and so has Kennedy- she has the most loving family a little girl could ask for.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY SWEETHEART!