Big Day

**disclaimer: I know that some people don't agree with me or my decisions- I just write this blog to let my feelings out, and to hopefully come in contact with some people who have gone down the road I'm going. I welcome all comments, opinions, whatever it may be that you have to say. :)

Well, tomorrow is the big day. We're headed down to Utah to go to Kennedy's birthday party. It was kind of a last minute decision- I've been very back and forth on it. It's not that I didn't want to go- but it's also not that I've known I wanted to go for sure.

Adoption is such a bittersweet situation. I love Kennedy and her family like crazy- but there is a hole in my heart that probably won't ever be completely mended. My old bishop told me that other things/people will come into my life and fill the hole as best as they can- but nothing will ever completely fix it. I completely agree. I feel SO at peace with my decision- but I still feel an emptiness inside.

Seeing her makes me so happy- seeing her run around and play with her brother- seeing her love her mom and dad...it couldn't bring me more joy; but once I leave seeing her- it's like coming off of some type of high...it's like crashing. And then I have to start healing all over again.

This is a super personal post...but I guess it is MY blog, my place to let my feelings out.

I feel like the longer I go without physically seeing her, touching her, hugging her- I can go on with my new life and be 100% there. I can think about starting my own family. Once I see her, I feel like the wound has been opened and I have to cry it out/talk it out and start again. On the other hand- I want her to know how much I love her. Part of me will always feel like I abandoned her- I think it's a natural feeling. So I feel like if I stop seeing her, I'll be abandoning her again- and she'll think about it when she's older and think I don't love her, when nothing could be further from the truth. All I want her to know is that I love her. I don't think I'm her mom...I don't want to be her mom (I mean, I can't wait to be a mom, I just made my decision- and I understand I am not and will never be her mother). I don't want her to show up at my door when she's 15 (those lovely teenage years) and has just told her mom "you're not my real mom"- and expect me to take her in as my own...and let her hurt her family. I don't EVER want that. I want her to love and adore her family. If someday she tells me she is happy I did what I did- and she knows I love her, but never wants to see me again....it'll be okay. If someday she comes to me and wants a full blown relationship...it'll be okay (and wonderful). To know she's happy in life is all I want.

I'm ranting...I'm just so torn right now.
I'm going to the party- and I know everything will be fine...I just don't know what's to come after the party...down the road.

It would always be nice to see the other side, right? Too bad I don't have a crystal ball...

Happy 4th Birthday Kennedy!

Happy 4th Birthday sweet little Kennedy!

I can't believe it's been 4 years. It's crazy to think of how much time has really passed in what seems like so little time. 4 years ago today I was in labor...labor that wasn't going to end the way I thought it was (although, does it really ever? No one ever knows what to expect until they go through it). I was laying comfy in my hospital bed right now- having just had my epidural, texting everyone I knew, telling them little Kennedy was on her way.

Here I am 4 years later, married to an amazing man, living in Idaho- thinking about starting our own family. Kennedy lives in Utah with her family. I don't think I would have seen any of this coming. Heavenly Father has a special way of making things work out just how they're supposed to- not always how we planned.

I dug a few pictures out of my box of memories...scanned them, and decided it was time to post them. I think they are beautiful memories of great times & hard ones.

The only pregnancy photo I think was ever taken...this was a few days before I went into labor. I know the white doesn't showcase the belly all that well, but this is all I've got!

The morning after you were born. I can't remember too much of what happened in the hospital...but I remember how beautiful you were that day.

We used to cuddle/sleep all the time just like this. This was one of my favorite things to do with you (this was when you were a few weeks old).

You were so funny with kisses. You'd usually end up sticking your tongue out.

The day of placement. This was before everything happened, which is why we aren't dealing with puffy eyes here. (scanned this picture so it's obviously not the best quality)

This was at my sister's bridal shower (September 2008). You and your mom came (like you guys do to most family functions- which we are so grateful for)...and we got to play with you for a little bit

You in your pretty Easter dress that my mom made for you. You have always loved my little brother Kaden, you get so excited to play with him every time we see you!

My husband Aaron, you and me! This was when Aaron and I were engaged-we love this picture!

I'm surprisingly handling today very well- most likely because we decided last minute that we're going to go to Utah to her birthday party this weekend. I should have some pictures of that soon...

I'm so grateful I made the decision I did- or I'm not sure where I'd be today. Most likely not in as good of a place as I am, to be honest. I am a firm believer that adoption can be a beautiful thing, but I also understand that it's something every woman has to make a decision on herself. It's not always the best option. Luckily I've been so blessed in my situation- and so has Kennedy- she has the most loving family a little girl could ask for.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SWEETHEART!

My Story

I met him at a local college dance. We'll call him D (we don't need him finding this blog) :). I had just returned home from China where I taught English. I was 19, naïve, and believed everything anyone told me. D told me he was investigating the church (meaning he was being taught lessons by missionaries in my church- the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints)- and he was very interested in becoming a member. I ate that all up. I won't go into details, but not too much later, I found out I was pregnant. I was in complete shock. I was a good kid- a bit rebellious at times, but I never thought something like this could happen to me. I told D I was pregnant, and he told me I needed to get an abortion. I never really felt much for D, one way or the other, but at that moment- I was made very aware that something was wrong, this wasn't the type of person I should be seeing.

Abortion was never an option to me. I felt like parenting was the only option for me. I decided to try to work things out with D to see if we could get married (in my church they usually suggest getting married first, if possible, and if not- adoption). Adoption wasn't an option for me, in my mind. Fast forward a few weeks (this all happened in a span of less than a month), D spent Christmas with my family- and ended up stealing money from my parents. Come to find out, D was a major felon. He'd lied about his age, where he was from, and EVERYTHING about his past. He was in and out of jail, on and off of drugs, overall a very scary person. As soon as this was found out, I had to break the news of my pregnancy to my parents (they couldn't figure out why I was even dating D, they had a feeling he was bad news from the start). They took it very well. It hurt everyone involved, but my parents were so supportive, I can't even explain the love I felt from them. They immediately came to my apartment and helped me move home (as soon as we found out about D's past). We all decided it was best if I never spoke to him again; luckily he didn't give us too many problems.

Everyone backed me up in my decision to single parent. My mom went on a rampage of buying adorable things and sewing quilts (we found out I was having a baby girl). They were all so excited. Now that I look back, I was kind of in a daze my entire pregnancy. I wasn't the girl who ever really “showed” while pregnant, so I think I just kind of pretended it wasn't happening. My parents and bishop (church leader) convinced me to go to LDS Family Services for counseling. I went in telling everyone that I wasn't interested in hearing about adoption- and that was that. I had a wonderful counselor who helped me with every up and down throughout my pregnancy. I knew she was always there to listen.

For some reason, I always thought of adoption as “giving up”. It's TERRIBLE for me to say that now, because that is the thing people have said to me that hurts the most.

me and K in her white dress on her blessing day

I had my daughter *K three weeks early, the result of a scary situation ending in an emergency c section. I don't remember much of the hospital stay, my mom says I was kind of like a zombie. I brought little K home and our lives began. I was dealing with some major emotional issues (like most moms do), but mine were amplified because of my situation, and maybe a little postpartum depression.

Five weeks later, I woke up one morning and just lost it emotionally. I didn't understand why I couldn't be happy. I had a BEAUTIFUL little girl, but I wasn't me. I couldn't get it together. I fell to my knees and prayed my little heart out. I asked God to help me, I didn't know what was wrong and I wanted everyone to be happy. Immediately an answer hit me, like a brick wall. “You're being selfish. This little girl wasn't meant for you. She has a mom and dad who have been waiting so long for her.” (not in those exact words, but you get the gist). I had never even THOUGHT of adoption, and it seemed so clear to me in that moment it was crazy! I went into my mom's room crying- and as soon as I opened my mouth she said, “I know” and started crying. She had known most of my pregnancy that this was what was supposed to happen, but none of us wanted to face that- because we all loved little K so much that we didn't want to let her go.

I started looking through profiles online, but no one stood out to me. I went into LDS family services and looked some more. I searched for what felt like FOREVER. As soon as I saw their profile, I knew the P* family was the family I was looking for. To make a long story short, I met them and we all felt an instant connection. They were going to be a part of my life forever.

My husband, me , and K almost 2

I placed my little girl into their arms a week later on September 11^th, 2006, six weeks after my daughter was born. I felt an immediate peace once it was all said and done.

I have cried and cried, and thought about her everyday since, but I KNOW what I did was right. I have seen her and her family countless times since then, and I couldn't be happier with the family I chose for her. Adoption is kind of a funny thing- sometimes I hurt so much inside that I just have to cry, but at the same time, I feel so blessed and happy that I don't know what to do with myself. Not one moment have I regretted anything that I've experienced through this process.

I was married in the Mt. Timpanogos temple on June 21^st, 2008 to my sweetheart. As we start to think about starting our own forever family, K comes into my mind often. I'm scared for the future, but I am so happy to know that she will know why I did what I did, and will love me for it.

Christmas 2009 K is three!

I wish I knew back then how happy I could end up. I am living my dream life- I have a husband who adores me, we fall more in love with each other everyday. When I was younger I didn't think I deserved much- I was a teenager who ended up pregnant, so I looked for the wrong guys. I should have known that I was a good person, that if I waited, I would find the perfect person for me- and luckily I did. I wish I would have known that everyone has their own opinion about adoption- and that I should listen to all of them, but if I didn't agree, just let those opinions go in one ear and right out the other. I was told by a very close family friend in the beginning of my pregnancy that everyone makes mistakes, everyone sins, but my mistake was going to show- everyone was going to know about it. She told me if her mistakes were shown on her belly, she'd be much larger than I was going to end up. As silly as it sounds, this helped carry me throughout my entire pregnancy. EVERYONE makes mistakes, its what you do to learn and grow from them that will decide the kind of person you are.